Shit Happens

You forget to do 1 out of 10 things, and it's "You didn't do anything for me!" Oh yeah? What the hell happened to the other 9?

*Sigh*

It's been a shitty week. Hospital census is picking up, which is actually a good thing. Just not when I can't get enough sleep. My insomnia kicked in like a car in high gear, thanks to the Slimming Brazilian Coffee I'm drinking to help lose my stubborn and annoying belly fat. It's surprisingly effective, by the way. It put a cork in my mouth, so to speak. When I drink it, I don't crave for food so much. But it doesn't help my sleeping at all! I felt the weight of 3 straight, 12-hour, night shifts on my shoulders, back, and eyelids. I vow to never drink that stuff during nights again.
Because of sleep deprivation, I slacked off on everything else. I wasn't able to clean my room for a week, update my planner, exercise, or daimoku as much as I wanted. And to top it all off, I completely forgot to arrange the pictures for our hotel's website for my dad. Which is where the above line came from. Uugh. I feel so useless.

Thank heavens it's the 10th. I'll be flying off to Manila in a few hours for a bit of R&R and some lovin'.

But, something pissed me off, yet again! I don't know. Is it just me, or is life really picking on me? It happens all the time. A day or two before I meet with my boyfriend, whether here or in Manila, something unusual happens. Twice, an infectious case was admitted in the ICU just a day before my bf was coming to visit. And those are the times that I absolutely CANNOT get sick! Just last month - the PPLIC issue, which still haunts me, especially because I still have an account which, I totally have no use for at this moment, and which I never really wanted in the first place! They were far too insistent! I was making a fool of myself, and I still didn't want to be rude, so there. And then just an hour ago--- AAARGHHH! Men. How in the world can they be so dense?! I'm sorry, I just couldn't keep the irritation off my voice as we spoke on the phone. But what he said really pissed me off! How can you say, "You sound tired from waiting up for me." and then say, "Oh well, that's life." ??!! And the best part is, he just waved it all away.

BF: You sound mad. Are you ok?
Me: I'm fine.
BF: You sure? I won't stop asking until you tell me what the problem is.
Me: No problem.
BF: Ok then.

Wtf? What happened to sentence number 3? Honestly. Maybe I'm just being a girl, or a girlfriend for that matter. But that really set my ears on fire!

*Sigh*

If being positive doesn't work, thank heavens for blogging. Seriously, letting it all out is the only way to go sometimes.

What now?

“Do whatever makes you happy.” Said my mom. Well, that’s new. Thanks Mom. But you don’t need to tell me, because that is exactly what I intend to do right now! No, actually, ever since I was old enough to write on autograph books and fill in the What are your ambitions part. The only problem is, I have no *@#! idea what that ambition is!


Back then, this problem wasn’t a problem – yet. I was young[er], too young! I had plenty of time to figure it all out. Besides, I had more important things to worry about, like the dreaded math periodicals, finishing homework before my favourite TV show, my crush not noticing me, and etc, etc. The future stuff could wait. I didn’t need to think yet. I had a map to follow. Like any other youngster, I had a standardized map that my parents and society laid out before me. Pre-school, then elementary school, then high school, then college. I was not to fail, I was to get good grades, I was to learn and grow and develop like a good child should. And as long as I followed the map, I was fine. But a single map cannot cover all cities of the world. It has to end somewhere (graduation!). The world grew bigger as I grew older, and what then seemed to be the distant future, became next month!

What I wanted in life never changed – the general idea of it, anyway. I wanted to be happy. I wanted a career that would make me happy. The only difference is that, back then, I was 13. I saw no further than what was seemingly years of never-ending education. Now, I am 24. (24!!!!) And I can no longer put off the question that has never fully surfaced before now. Now, that ominous question literally spread itself before my eyes, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook my entire being like earthquake.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO DO?

I’m not unhappy here. But I’m not entirely happy, either. My dad thinks it’s because I’m away from my boyfriend. (Sigh. Dads..) My mom thinks I don’t like being in Cagayan. Both are true in a way. Of course I miss my boyfriend. And true, I like Manila better. But being in Cagayan itself doesn’t make me unhappy. I’m simply lost. They say happiness is a choice. Aye it is. And a tough choice at that. It’s all I can do to keep myself from despairing.

Free Time

It seems like another quiet day at home. The hospital activity drops with every Christmas season. No patients means no work - in a sense. I'm on on call today (and have been and for the past few days). Actually, I've spent more days at home than at work this past 2 weeks, which is completely fine with me. I needed a break. And I was able to put all this free time to good use. I've started painting again. I tried my hand on painting flowers with watercolor and acrylic on my own as my assignment. Sad to say, I only succeeded in wasting 3 good pieces of watercolor paper. After hours of depressing work, I finally gave up, came to the conclusion that I could not paint at all, then spent another hour crying my eyes out. It was funny. I surprised myself with my reaction, and was even more surprised that I couldn't stop crying! I guess I needed that wake up call. The upside is that I've finally realized how much I needed to learn, and I felt the serious need to improve my skill.
I've started jogging, too. So far, I was able to run 2.4km straight without stopping. It's an amazing feeling! The adrenaline rush, the cool wind against my face, and the energy!
I'm doing more daimoku these days, as well. I'm stuck in a rut, you see. My career path has suddenly become a maze. And the best advice I've received is to chant as much daimoku as I can. I'm workin' on it.
So, in summary, I'm workin on my body, my faith, and my skills. And I feel pretty good, right now. The only downside to all this, is that I won't be earning much this month, what with all the on call and day off schedules I have. I'm almost certain as to how much I'll be getting in this kinsena's paycheck. :)

Because I am human

I have the soul to feel gratitude,
the heart to love and be loved,
the free will to choose,
a healthy mind to dream,
and my faith to hope and persevere.

I have an amazing family who is behind my every step,
A loving boyfriend who makes me laugh,
Wonderful friends from all over who always come and visit,
A home where I find safey and sanctuary,
and a beautiful body capable of making dreams come true.

A line from the movie Robin Hood said, "It is unwise to repay good fortune with bad grace."

I am grateful today for all the lessons I've learned, for the accomplishments I've gained, for the person I have become, and for the life in me after 24 long years. I will strive harder to become a better person for me and for those whom I love.

Only human

Even the most fortunate person on earth is bound to have insecurities. Why? Because she is only human. I have a lot to be thankful for. Heaven knows I am a thousand times better off than plenty of other people. But I am still only human. So forgive me for this tiny moment of weakness, of inferiority, of self-pity, and of envy.

I'm a spineless wimp. I'm a self-confessed people-pleaser, a pushover, and I am admittedly as gullible as a 6-year old. One particular incident yesterday has made that point very clear. I was immensely irritated by myself, and yes, I have tortured myself to tears. If I were my parents, I'd yell at myself and say that I couldn't possibly trust myself out in the real world because I'm too naive and too much of an airhead! Moreover, I'm turning 24 in 3 days but I've got nothing to show for -- no wow-worthy accomplishments, no money, no life. And the worse part is, I don't know where I'm going. I don't have a clue as to what I'm going to do. Thank heavens for prayers. It's about the only thing that I can do at this point. So, yeah, I'm pretty down already.
And then, browsing on facebook tonight has made me feel even worse. I confess, I am acting like a bitter teen. These are insignificant concerns. I myself know that I am being foolish and studpid. But foolish or no, stupid or not, they made me feel like crying.

So what exactly upset me?

1. The artwork tshirt contest winners page (in artwork.ph).
2. My cousin's photo shoot pictures.
3. My college friends' Palawan getaway.
4. My college friends' long list of photo comments.
5. My bf's group page.

Translation.

1. I didn't win. Why on earth can I not think of designs like those??
2. Inggit. Wish I were as pretty as she is. I never look good in my pictures. Never did, never do.
3. I feel left out. and I miss my Manila friends.  
4,5. Again, inggit.

Forgive me for being so negative. My insecurities get the better of me sometimes. They suck. I suck. Sometimes, I just wish that somebody would give me a hug and say that none of this is true. That I'm not any of the things I said. And funny thing is that, that someone, should be none other than me.

Loser ar loner?

"Would you rather be called a loner or a loser?" A friend had asked me.

I thought last night would be another lonely night for me. Saturday night and I had no work, no plans, no one to be with, and no where to be! Dinner with the Lim Association and the Chinese Chamber of Commerce for the moon cake festival hardly counts. And adding the fact that I only won Php 160.00 (all in tiny twenties), I had given up hope for a more exciting Saturday night. And then, ting! My baby cousins saved me and my pathetic social life! I say baby because they're all way younger than me. But I don't caaaaaaaaaaarrrrreeee! We ate some cake and spent the rest of the night singing and dancing and jumping at a kareoke bar.

My boyfriend called and made fun of my loser night. Well, I admit. Technically speaking, hanging out with younger kids on a Saturday night would still put me on the loser category. But like I said, I don't care. I missed hanging out with my cousins and I wouldn't have last night any other way! Besides, I told him I would have hung out with him if he were here. But he's not. And I do miss him more than he could possibly know.

My answer to that question was that I would rather be a loner rather than a loser just because, well, being a loner sounds so much better than being a loser. My friend on the other hand said that she'd rather be a loser. Why? Because at least she'd have friends. Loser friends, but friends around her all the same. "Who cares what people think?" She had said.

Well said. :)

And the countdown continues..

Waiting takes forever. And when the moment that you've waited (forever) for arrives at last, it ends faster than you can say 'finally'.

I spent an amazing, gluttonous weekend with my love. Oh yes, eating was the main activity. I wouldn't be surprised if I added a few centimeters around my waist. Ugh. All that dieting and exercise just went right out the window. But it was a small price to pay. We only see each other once in 3-4 weeks. I know.. it sucks. Now that my long awaited weekend date has finally come AND gone, I have to wait for the next, which won't happen until after 4 weeks. Sigh. I do my best to be a good girl and wait. I miss him so much. =c

Baby Blues

And so the baby blues of 2010 continues.. My friend just dropped the bomb today -- she's pregnant. I gave her a hug, as big as my little self could manage, hoping it'd somehow help. She cried, and cried some MORE. She had been crying the whole afternoon, which explained the way she looked -- dazed, pale, and all fuzzy. My heart went out to her. I would have hugged her all night if I could.

My dear friend.. my dear, kind, generous, wonderful, and beautiful friend. I could see the effort she was making to brave it all, and smile. On top of everything, she was still as amazing as ever.

Life is unfair sometimes. I can never fully comprehend why ugly things happen to good people. Shit happens. It's a fact. And when it does, no wise words can slow the pain. All the "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", "Time heals all wounds", and all that crap just goes right out the window.

Everyone is fighting their own battles. It's no use envying other people's "perfect lives" because technically, there is no "perfect life". However, there is such a thing as a happy life. So how about that??

Some food for thought before I go to bed tonight.

August Break

Thanks Susannah for the August Break!

I believe in fairies..

For August Break :)

Time sure flies. The message on the August page of my Tinkerbell calendar aptly summarizes this lovely month. "Friendships last forever" is what it says. And so they do. I spent the last few days with Jewel and Isis in CDO. Ahh spending girl time with girlfriends.. pure bliss! I had to work nights, though. I was exhausted, but I had the best time ever!

August was a surprisingly good month. Exhausting, but deliciously satisfying. Great food, groovy friends, and good fun filled those 31 tiny boxes of my August calendar. Work was hell, but I worked with my friends! And at the end of the day, it's not so bad. Oh, my August blog is full, too, thanks to the August Break! Unfortunately, my hellish work schedule, unreliable internet connection, and often sleep-deprived state prevented me from logging in everyday. But I was happy to be able to participate at the very least.

And now, as I turn, yet another page of my Tinkerbell calendar, I say goodbye to an awesome jam-packed month, and welcome the next. What's to come? More of the good life I hope. The September page of my calendar reads "I believe in fairies." I take it as a sign to believe in dreams. A hundred plans and dreams and goals came rushing at me (and at us) during our conversations over animal-styled fries, chicken quesadillas, and jello shots last weekend. Wouldn't it be great if they all came true? So I'll take my own advice this month and write down everything I want to happen. And who knows? A little dreaming goes a long way, with a measure of hard-work, a dash of prayer, a large cup of faith, and a little pixie dust, miracles will happen. :)

Pentruple (?) birthday celebration!

For August Break =)

Happy birthday Abigail, Erica, Mom, Di-i, & Uncle Jun!
Jello shots for everyone!
Cheers!

Thank you World for friends! 08.22.10

For August Break =)

Dinner at Kitchen with friends. It's one of the many reasons why I love Manila. :)

New life

For August Break =)

I just got back from Manila. I flew over there last Friday to see my new love. It was his birthday. It's funny, the trip reminded me of the day I took this photo. I was also flying to Manila to visit my old love. It's a funny feeling.

I closed a huge chapter of my life, and it allowed me to start a new one. A better one. And it made me want to be a better person. I learned that everything falls into place with time. There's time for everything. You just have to believe, to hang on, to pray, and let go.

Happy birthday Love. 08.20.10

For August Break =)

Me and my new love.

Gotta Love Color 08.19.10

It makes the most boring things seem interesting. Like socks! I ran out a while ago. For some reason, my white socks never make their way back to my drawer after the wash! So I asked my love to get me a few colorful ones instead. I said a few - he got me a dozen! Ah well, that's how much he loves me I guess! All with stripes in different colors. My friend said they reminded him of that ice pop with the bubble gum center. I no longer lose 'em since colorful socks are easier to spot. Now, my sock drawer's always full and my feet look smokin' everyday!

Have a lovely day.. 08.18.10

For August Break =)

Pets! 08.17.10

For August break =)

Chowking and Panda. Our adorable doggies!

I'll be posting the pictures I have taken for August Break that I haven't had the time to post! I hope it's all right. I've gotten so busy, I haven't had the time to go online at all.

Medical Mission Friday

Siancy, Roca, and me.
Its a late post. sheesh! I barely have time to breathe these days.
We handled kids that day, which unfortunately, happens to be my weakest point.. Ah well. We did the best we could. Felt good to help. :)

August Break!

I keep a smile with me all the time. In case I forget to, during a long long exhausting day.. which is what my days are turning out to be lately :)

Love is...

Love is beautiful, love is sweet;
Love is emotional, it's hard to beat.
Love is crazy, love is blind;
Love is mean, love is kind.

Love inspires, it gives you wings;
Love races on to better things.
So run fast and don't be late,
Or you're gonna have to wait.

Love hurts, it cries for tears,
But love heals through the years.
Love touches, love hears,
So push away all your fears.

Love is confusing, it really is;
Especially with a wandering kiss.
Yet love is special, it is special.
It is irreplaceable.

Love is human, it is alive.
It makes you strong,
It makes you whole,
So hold your head high.

Live, laugh, love, breathe.
Stand steadfast, never leave.
Hold your heart, know yourself.
Know that all will be well.

Compassion

A person's nobility is manifested in compassion for others. Kindness and consideration for others resonate with both the Buddhist concept of compassion and the core Christian concept of love. When viewed from a larger perspective, we exist here thanks to the warmth, kindness and support, not only of the people around us but of everything on this Earth and in the entire universe.

All living things - flowers, birds, the sun, the soil - support one another in a beautiful symphony of life. Since the birth of this planet more than four billion years ago, life form after life form has been conceived and nourished. Human life is a part of that chain. If at any point a link were missing from this chain, none of us would be alive today. We are all proof that the chain hasn't been broken.

Life produces new life - surely this is consideration in its most basic form. Delving deeper into this idea, I think we can say that the Earth itself is a giant living organism filled with consideration. The activity of the entire universe is essentially a function of compassion.

Truly commendable people have the spirit to improve and grow, and continually striving to develop ourselves above all else is true consideration for others.

Daisaku Ikeda, The Way of Youth, Buddhist Common Sense for Handling Life's Questions, p.146

The colors of Summer!

My grandmother's beach place is home to many fond family memories. Birthdays, holidays, simple sundays, or lazy days, Amah's beach house is THE place to be. We're ever so lucky to have such a place! (Or rather, to have an amazing grandma who owns such a place!)
I have a very close family. I have a HUGE family, in both sides! And we're very close-knit. It amazes me how we all remain close despite the busy work weeks, the classes, businesses, and the distant living arrangements. And now that we [the cousins] are all grown up, we don't spend as much time together like we used to when we were kids. But when we do get together, it's as if no time has passed at all. It's a gift really! But it can be a pain sometimes. In a family like mine, it's as if everyone has to know everything about everyone. And you really can't tell them to mind their own business, because we're, well, family.
Ah well.. You gotta take the good with the bad!
That's family for ya! :)

Photographer for a day!

I got a chance to use my camera today. My friend needed someone to take photos of her along with her church buddies for mementos. One of them is leaving abroad, you see. And so, I became a photographer for a day! I did warn them of my non-existent photography skills. They said they didn’t mind and hired me anyway. I do hope the pictures turn out ok. Thank goodness for photoshop!

It finally rained today, after weeks and weeks of dry hot weather. Not just little rain drops but real rain – nice and wet. I’m not exactly sure what set me off but I got into a really foul mood when I got home. Must be the hormones. My boyfriend was busy with his friends, and I’ve got no one to talk to. I ended up playing Plants vs. Zombies on my laptop; and got into thinking about the girl of my dreams. Sigh. You know, the perfect girl who has perfectly flat abs, and didn’t have to worry about looking fat, especially when she’s around perfect looking girls. Sigh. Yes this must be my hormones talking.

Weddings.

Weddings are just wonderful, aren't they? Not the ones on TV or on magazines. I mean the weddings of close friends and family. All the giddy anticipation, the exciting preparations, the happy smiles, the tears of joy, the picture-perfect moments, the I do's, the pre-nuptial photos, the mushy love songs, the sighs and ooh's and ahhh's, that blissful, heart-warming feeling that I'm sure everybody gets when they see their loved ones' genuine smiles of happiness and contentment. It just gives you that hopeful, happy, kind of love-ful feeling, doesn't it?
Kitty, Ma'am Peth, and I travelled for 4 hours by bus to just to attend a Marissa's wedding. It was well worth it! Mars looked fantastic, Rey looked incredibly happy, plus there were so many photo booths and photo walls at the reception! Our kind of thing! ^^, This was the 3rd wedding I've been to in 5 months! And there's another one coming this May. 2010 sure is the year for weddings! Or have I just reached the marrying age already? Sheesh! I feel so old! ^-^

Life is what you paint it to be.

I fell in love in Cebu..


with these...

Delphine Groult furniture! Some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my whole life! Delphine Groult is a french artist who has a passion for painting and wooden pieces. She combined her two passions to create her own collection of Parisian-inspired furniture. Desks, chests, tables, and chairs, all in solid wood, delicately hand-painted, some in bright pastels and whimisical designs, and some in bright blues and reds with pop art prints. I'd dearly love to see one of these in my bedroom. Alas! The prices are more (much much more) than I could afford. ^^,

I love Nature!

I've just started my own little business! It's actually a buy and sell kind of thing. It's small but viable, and I'm loving it. Gandang Kalikasan Inc. has opened a new line of affordable, organic, chemical-free skin and hair care products called Human Nature. This is a part of the Gawad Kalinga program and is made 100% by Filipinos. Two weeks ago, I was desperately looking for a body butter that would help my poor, very dry and very cracked hands. Coincidentally, a friend of my mom's gave her one of Human Nature's body butter's. And guess what, I loved it! The products are great! They feel really healthy, it's as if I'm feeding my skin real fruits. And they smell so delicious, that the phrase "good enough to eat" has never been so appropriate! And so, on February 14th, I officially became a Human Nature dealer! The rest is history. And here I thought I didn't have a single seller's bone in my body. And I'm proud to say that I'm doing quite well!
It's a small thing, but I feel like this was one of those aha moments, wherein one feels that she's made the right choice. (Which I have) I'm glad I jumped on this opportunity. Now, I'm happily -- shall we say -- minding my own business!

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

I got off from work 2 ours later than the regular 8-hours this morning (not that it's the first time). One of our patients went all "toxic" all of a sudden. The adrenaline rush is preventing me from sleeping, thus, even after a grueling night shift, I am still able to write on this blog.
Valentine's Day is just around the corner! But that's not what really concerns me right now. February 14, 2010 is also the Chinese New Year, which gives me another chance to start (and re-start) anew! Plenty of my supposed new year's resolutions are still untouched. Some are half -done (half-started, rather); and some aren't going so well.

For starters, after promising never to be late for work again, I find myself.. well, late..again and again! Also, I think that I might be losing my mind. Seriously.
Just a couple of weeks ago, the unthinkable happened. I forgot my boyfriend's birthday.
Sheesh! As stupid as it seems, it actually happened, and if only I could split myself into two, I would've banged my own head against the wall! I'm forgetting things at work, too, plenty of times! My head's up in space somewhere, and it's been there since January. I NEED NEED NEED to bring it down!!

On the upside, I'm driving now! I drive to and from work during night and afternoon shifts, with my dad at the passenger's seat of course. My grandpa allowed me to drive his automatic so I can practice. So far, I'm still in one piece, and so is the car. And if you don't count the few times I accidentally stepped on the gas instead of the break, then I would say that I'm doing okay.
I'm taking painting classes again. It's a tad bit expensive, though. Then again, what's not nowadays? I've also learned to use the sewing machine! I already finished my first project - a plaid purse complete with zipper!
Jewel's coming over next week, all the way from Manila just to spend some quality time with moi! It's definitely something to look forward to! My brother's love life is going pretty well. The girl he's so discreetly dating is really pretty. I haven't met her but I think she's very nice. I'm really glad for him. And lastly, I'm at the last chapter of Fundamentals of Buddhism, the book that I've been trying to finish since last year!

Huh. My first 2 months of 2010 weren't so bad afterall. Still, the downs are there. I know what I need.

Love.

kidding.

I need to focus. FOCUS, darn it, if I'm ever going to make something out of the rest of my 2010.

Weddings

Another one of my friends is getting married!!! That's the 4th wedding happening this 2010; and 3 out of the 4 are my workmates'! What is it with this year?!
We were, actually on our way home from the first wedding. We were just talking about wedding stuff and about and how happy the newly weds looked. Then ---- when she dropped the bomb.

We literally screamed ourselves hoarse.

It was a surprising bit of news, that one. It was crazy! I was so shocked, I couldn't stop screaming. We were all so happy for her! They had apparently, been planning this wedding since August. I can't believe she kept this from us for all this time!

Before they dropped me off, we parked in front of our house and made her tell us everything! With the rain softly patting outside and the radio playing love songs, it felt just like one of those-girl bonding movies. She sounded so happy! And it felt great because I was happy, too.

Tonight was incredible! I got to see how happy our friends were, even though not all of the marriages were 100% planned. At the dinner party, the new groom was practically glowing alongside his new wife. At the dinner table, the next groom-to-be was also giddy with excitement for his own wedding the following month. And now this.

I feel really blessed to have happy friends.

It's funny though. Most of these friends are about the same age as I am. And they're, well, getting married! They're already talking about kids, and building a family, a house, their future, and what am I concerned about?? Clothes, vacations, and blogs. Haha. Oh well.

Disneyland?

My cousin Lesley is getting married! So my cousins and I threw her a Disney themed shower party! Now, her wedding's not until May, but we just couldn't wait! Naw, this was the only time that we could all get together before the wedding frenzy, so we just jumped on the chance. And since we've got kids with us, not to mention male cousins, we really couldn't make it naughty, could we? ^^,


(From left to right) Meet Aladdin, Russel, Pocahontas, Bell, Lilo, Cinderella, Nala, Marie, Mulan, Ariel, Tinkerbell, Woody, and Snow White.




The butterfly wings are my baby cousin's. I couldn't find butterfly wings. This was the best that I could come up with. ^^,

Hello 2010 ^^,

Hello 2010! New year, new beginnings, new resolutions. Time for a fresh start! I spent new year's eve at my grandmother's house, traditional family get-together. At 12midnight, we all climbed up to the open veranda and watched 360 degrees of fireworks! It's the year of the tiger. A good year My year. ^^,
Last December had been the busiest! It was funny because December went by pretty slowly. It was just packed with activities. I was barely home! The ICU had been just as busy and unforgiving as ever. Patient census usually drops by the year's end. But no, they just kept on coming. The holidays this year, er, last year, was also a lot less festive. The holiday spirit seemed a bit thinner. It didn't matter though. We ended the year with a bang!