Friday, December 10, 2010

Shit Happens

You forget to do 1 out of 10 things, and it's "You didn't do anything for me!" Oh yeah? What the hell happened to the other 9?


It's been a shitty week. Hospital census is picking up, which is actually a good thing. Just not when I can't get enough sleep. My insomnia kicked in like a car in high gear, thanks to the Slimming Brazilian Coffee I'm drinking to help lose my stubborn and annoying belly fat. It's surprisingly effective, by the way. It put a cork in my mouth, so to speak. When I drink it, I don't crave for food so much. But it doesn't help my sleeping at all! I felt the weight of 3 straight, 12-hour, night shifts on my shoulders, back, and eyelids. I vow to never drink that stuff during nights again.
Because of sleep deprivation, I slacked off on everything else. I wasn't able to clean my room for a week, update my planner, exercise, or daimoku as much as I wanted. And to top it all off, I completely forgot to arrange the pictures for our hotel's website for my dad. Which is where the above line came from. Uugh. I feel so useless.

Thank heavens it's the 10th. I'll be flying off to Manila in a few hours for a bit of R&R and some lovin'.

But, something pissed me off, yet again! I don't know. Is it just me, or is life really picking on me? It happens all the time. A day or two before I meet with my boyfriend, whether here or in Manila, something unusual happens. Twice, an infectious case was admitted in the ICU just a day before my bf was coming to visit. And those are the times that I absolutely CANNOT get sick! Just last month - the PPLIC issue, which still haunts me, especially because I still have an account which, I totally have no use for at this moment, and which I never really wanted in the first place! They were far too insistent! I was making a fool of myself, and I still didn't want to be rude, so there. And then just an hour ago--- AAARGHHH! Men. How in the world can they be so dense?! I'm sorry, I just couldn't keep the irritation off my voice as we spoke on the phone. But what he said really pissed me off! How can you say, "You sound tired from waiting up for me." and then say, "Oh well, that's life." ??!! And the best part is, he just waved it all away.

BF: You sound mad. Are you ok?
Me: I'm fine.
BF: You sure? I won't stop asking until you tell me what the problem is.
Me: No problem.
BF: Ok then.

Wtf? What happened to sentence number 3? Honestly. Maybe I'm just being a girl, or a girlfriend for that matter. But that really set my ears on fire!


If being positive doesn't work, thank heavens for blogging. Seriously, letting it all out is the only way to go sometimes.

Friday, December 3, 2010

What now?

“Do whatever makes you happy.” Said my mom. Well, that’s new. Thanks Mom. But you don’t need to tell me, because that is exactly what I intend to do right now! No, actually, ever since I was old enough to write on autograph books and fill in the What are your ambitions part. The only problem is, I have no *@#! idea what that ambition is!

Back then, this problem wasn’t a problem – yet. I was young[er], too young! I had plenty of time to figure it all out. Besides, I had more important things to worry about, like the dreaded math periodicals, finishing homework before my favourite TV show, my crush not noticing me, and etc, etc. The future stuff could wait. I didn’t need to think yet. I had a map to follow. Like any other youngster, I had a standardized map that my parents and society laid out before me. Pre-school, then elementary school, then high school, then college. I was not to fail, I was to get good grades, I was to learn and grow and develop like a good child should. And as long as I followed the map, I was fine. But a single map cannot cover all cities of the world. It has to end somewhere (graduation!). The world grew bigger as I grew older, and what then seemed to be the distant future, became next month!

What I wanted in life never changed – the general idea of it, anyway. I wanted to be happy. I wanted a career that would make me happy. The only difference is that, back then, I was 13. I saw no further than what was seemingly years of never-ending education. Now, I am 24. (24!!!!) And I can no longer put off the question that has never fully surfaced before now. Now, that ominous question literally spread itself before my eyes, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook my entire being like earthquake.


I’m not unhappy here. But I’m not entirely happy, either. My dad thinks it’s because I’m away from my boyfriend. (Sigh. Dads..) My mom thinks I don’t like being in Cagayan. Both are true in a way. Of course I miss my boyfriend. And true, I like Manila better. But being in Cagayan itself doesn’t make me unhappy. I’m simply lost. They say happiness is a choice. Aye it is. And a tough choice at that. It’s all I can do to keep myself from despairing.