What now?

“Do whatever makes you happy.” Said my mom. Well, that’s new. Thanks Mom. But you don’t need to tell me, because that is exactly what I intend to do right now! No, actually, ever since I was old enough to write on autograph books and fill in the What are your ambitions part. The only problem is, I have no *@#! idea what that ambition is!


Back then, this problem wasn’t a problem – yet. I was young[er], too young! I had plenty of time to figure it all out. Besides, I had more important things to worry about, like the dreaded math periodicals, finishing homework before my favourite TV show, my crush not noticing me, and etc, etc. The future stuff could wait. I didn’t need to think yet. I had a map to follow. Like any other youngster, I had a standardized map that my parents and society laid out before me. Pre-school, then elementary school, then high school, then college. I was not to fail, I was to get good grades, I was to learn and grow and develop like a good child should. And as long as I followed the map, I was fine. But a single map cannot cover all cities of the world. It has to end somewhere (graduation!). The world grew bigger as I grew older, and what then seemed to be the distant future, became next month!

What I wanted in life never changed – the general idea of it, anyway. I wanted to be happy. I wanted a career that would make me happy. The only difference is that, back then, I was 13. I saw no further than what was seemingly years of never-ending education. Now, I am 24. (24!!!!) And I can no longer put off the question that has never fully surfaced before now. Now, that ominous question literally spread itself before my eyes, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook my entire being like earthquake.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO DO?

I’m not unhappy here. But I’m not entirely happy, either. My dad thinks it’s because I’m away from my boyfriend. (Sigh. Dads..) My mom thinks I don’t like being in Cagayan. Both are true in a way. Of course I miss my boyfriend. And true, I like Manila better. But being in Cagayan itself doesn’t make me unhappy. I’m simply lost. They say happiness is a choice. Aye it is. And a tough choice at that. It’s all I can do to keep myself from despairing.