Tuesday, February 17, 2009

This is for you..

I’m not supposed to say this, I know

But my heart just wouldn’t listen

Just can’t stop just can’t let go

What we were just a year ago

Some days I’m fine some days I’m not

Some days I can’t help but beat myself up

Got a blessed life ahead to think about

Can’t seem to turn my mind around

How can I stop missing you

When the best part of me was always you

I can never stop missing you

Not, When I’m still in love with you

Holding hands, walking side by side

The oh so glaring kisses along taxi rides

the worst days with you were still the best

I could never love you any less

How can I stop missing you

When the best part of me was always you

I can never stop missing you

Not, When I’m still in love with you

Goodbye is never hard enough

For someone who you really love

I’m sorry I can’t be with you

Maybe’s now’s not the right time for me and you

We’ll find each other again someday

But for now, I know we’ll be ok

How can I stop missing you

When the best part of me was always you

I can never stop missing you

Not when I’m still in love with you

How can I stop loving you

It’s what I’ve always known to be true

I’ll never stop loving you

I could never, no, not you

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Oh well..

"The best way to heal a heart that has been broken is to kill the person who made that happen." --Adolf Hitler


Just one of the many corny v-day jokes I received on my cellphone yesterday. This year's Feb14th wasn't as bad as I thought. My boyfriend/ex-boyfriend -- now best friend (for lack of a better word for the current, unspoken arrangement we have) -- greeted me with a "Happy valentine's day, Lala.. hehe." This may sound pathetic, but that actually made my entire day. I had a nice lunch date with my parents. We then attended the ribbon-cutting and blessing of a brand new hospital, which will in fact, be my new work place a few weeks from now. I came home with a souvenir -- a sparkly heart on a stick that coincidentally said, Be Mine. I also caught a short, but juicy glimpse of my very secret crush.

Today however, I just found out that my very secret crush already has a girlfriend, thereby crushing my very secret dreams.


Oh well..

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The end

“Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why must all good things come to an end?” Yes, please Nelly. Tell me why.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Looking back, those 3 years were the best and worst of my life. (so far, anyway.) He was my very first, and I was his first, as well. I was 19 at the time, a sophomore in college. He was 21, a music student, a senior and a transferee. The first stages of our relationship were very awkward and clumsy. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. And I guess, neither did he. It was all very fast. For the first few months, we were crazy in love. We never fought, we were always getting along and stuff. And then reality hit. The rest is history.

We were two VERY different people, inside and out. From the big things like our personalities, goals, dreams, perspectives, values, principles – to the small things like music, clothes, and people – Different, with a capital D. Him being a musician/artist may have something to do with that. Or maybe it’s because he’s Filipino and I’m Chinese. My parents didn’t approve of our relationship, as do so many other Chinese families. I know they don’t mean to discriminate. The cultural gap really is huge. Believe me, I know. Still..

Anyway, I managed to lie low and keep the whole thing under wraps. He was an amazing person. He truly was different from other guys -- not that I had any to compare him with. Still, there really was something about him. First and foremost, he was genuine, real. What you see is what you get. He never changed from beginning to end. Also, He had this very intense personality. There was so much fire in him, so much passion. And it showed, especially in his music. He was very talented, a brilliant man and a true artist. But he was never arrogant -- well, only to me.

That amount of fire in him also meant that he had a fiery temper. My god! He could breathe fire, that one. He was fiercely loyal, and was never afraid to stand up for what he believed in. He was a guy, who actually knew who he was, what he wanted, and where he wanted to go. He knew what he was worth. But despite all that fierceness to him, he was also very kooky. He had all these crazy ideas. He made stupid jokes, skipped classes, fooled around, had this happy-go-lucky air to him, that would just make you sigh and say, boys will be boys.

He loved me. He was always there. He really took care of me. I hate to admit it, but he was always the one who forgave, who understood, who would just sigh and say ok. And he was never afraid to tell me how he felt. Hell, he’s an artist! He was as sweet and charming as they come.

I learned so much from him. I was never the same person. It was just amazing how much I grew after 3 years. I mean, it’s nothing drastic, nothing revolutionary. I was just way too naive back then. When I was with him, I felt like I saw the world for the first time.

And now? I’m experiencing my very first break-up. It sucks.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Still Waiting..

Have you ever had this experience, when you – say—have a lunch date at 1:00, or a dentist appointment at 3 in the afternoon, or whatever; and you’re sort of stuck, because it’s in the middle of the day, there’s not enough time to do anything else, you don’t even bother because you don’t want to start and then stop after a while. And so you hang around, anticipate, wait for time to pass, and end up accomplishing absolutely nothing???

Well for those who say yes, thank you! Because, this happens to me ALL the time, ‘cept this time, in a larger (-than-life) scale.

I just got accepted for a job. Only, it’s taking so long for them to call back. I feel like I can't move. I can't do the things I want to do because I know that I'll be starting any minute from now. I won't know how to schedule yoga and painting classes around work, because I don’t have that work schedule to begin with! And all this waiting is driving me nuts. And guess what, it won’t necessarily be this frustrating if I haven’t been a bum for 8 months.
Yes, that’s right, 8 (!!!) FREAKIN’ months. I’m just so bored. I feel totally useless-- not to mention penniless-- and I’m just so tired of doing nothing important.
This was definitely NOT how I planned it to be. It’s ironic, really. I had so many plans for myself. I wanted to do sooo many things. And now look what happened!

Oogway from Kung Fu Panda said, “The past is history, the future a mystery, but today? Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.”

Wise turtle.

I was just about to fall asleep last night when I realized what my problem is: I plan too much. I keep daydreaming on what I would like to do in the future -- new stuff I'd like to try out, what my first job would be, what my second job would be, what country I’d fly off to, how old I should be when that happens, I just kept thinking of the future. And I wanted it all to happen so soon! 1 – 2 years kind of soon.
Unrealistic. Yeah, I know. I wanted to be as young as possible when it all happens.

Well big HAHA for me! Reality is apparently WORLDS different from, well, daydreams.

I was actually trying looking for things that would fit into that picture in my head. I kept thinking of tomorrow, next month, next year, and so on.

Well, that’s just stupid. We should all live for the moment and have fun. We should grab on to the opportunities available today, and start making our way towards the future. Planning is important, too. But we shouldn’t plan too far ahead. Based on my experience, it just ruins everything. Successful people, once they realize what they want to do, they just go ahead and do it. They start now, today, on this moment. Waiting for the right time never seems to accomplish anything, again, based on my experience. Just do it. We’ll never know unless we try.

The movie Something's Got to Give kept playing on HBO. Diane Keaton said something that really struck a note. She said, “So I say this with all my heart, what are you waiting for?”