Free Time

It seems like another quiet day at home. The hospital activity drops with every Christmas season. No patients means no work - in a sense. I'm on on call today (and have been and for the past few days). Actually, I've spent more days at home than at work this past 2 weeks, which is completely fine with me. I needed a break. And I was able to put all this free time to good use. I've started painting again. I tried my hand on painting flowers with watercolor and acrylic on my own as my assignment. Sad to say, I only succeeded in wasting 3 good pieces of watercolor paper. After hours of depressing work, I finally gave up, came to the conclusion that I could not paint at all, then spent another hour crying my eyes out. It was funny. I surprised myself with my reaction, and was even more surprised that I couldn't stop crying! I guess I needed that wake up call. The upside is that I've finally realized how much I needed to learn, and I felt the serious need to improve my skill.
I've started jogging, too. So far, I was able to run 2.4km straight without stopping. It's an amazing feeling! The adrenaline rush, the cool wind against my face, and the energy!
I'm doing more daimoku these days, as well. I'm stuck in a rut, you see. My career path has suddenly become a maze. And the best advice I've received is to chant as much daimoku as I can. I'm workin' on it.
So, in summary, I'm workin on my body, my faith, and my skills. And I feel pretty good, right now. The only downside to all this, is that I won't be earning much this month, what with all the on call and day off schedules I have. I'm almost certain as to how much I'll be getting in this kinsena's paycheck. :)

Because I am human

I have the soul to feel gratitude,
the heart to love and be loved,
the free will to choose,
a healthy mind to dream,
and my faith to hope and persevere.

I have an amazing family who is behind my every step,
A loving boyfriend who makes me laugh,
Wonderful friends from all over who always come and visit,
A home where I find safey and sanctuary,
and a beautiful body capable of making dreams come true.

A line from the movie Robin Hood said, "It is unwise to repay good fortune with bad grace."

I am grateful today for all the lessons I've learned, for the accomplishments I've gained, for the person I have become, and for the life in me after 24 long years. I will strive harder to become a better person for me and for those whom I love.

Only human

Even the most fortunate person on earth is bound to have insecurities. Why? Because she is only human. I have a lot to be thankful for. Heaven knows I am a thousand times better off than plenty of other people. But I am still only human. So forgive me for this tiny moment of weakness, of inferiority, of self-pity, and of envy.

I'm a spineless wimp. I'm a self-confessed people-pleaser, a pushover, and I am admittedly as gullible as a 6-year old. One particular incident yesterday has made that point very clear. I was immensely irritated by myself, and yes, I have tortured myself to tears. If I were my parents, I'd yell at myself and say that I couldn't possibly trust myself out in the real world because I'm too naive and too much of an airhead! Moreover, I'm turning 24 in 3 days but I've got nothing to show for -- no wow-worthy accomplishments, no money, no life. And the worse part is, I don't know where I'm going. I don't have a clue as to what I'm going to do. Thank heavens for prayers. It's about the only thing that I can do at this point. So, yeah, I'm pretty down already.
And then, browsing on facebook tonight has made me feel even worse. I confess, I am acting like a bitter teen. These are insignificant concerns. I myself know that I am being foolish and studpid. But foolish or no, stupid or not, they made me feel like crying.

So what exactly upset me?

1. The artwork tshirt contest winners page (in artwork.ph).
2. My cousin's photo shoot pictures.
3. My college friends' Palawan getaway.
4. My college friends' long list of photo comments.
5. My bf's group page.

Translation.

1. I didn't win. Why on earth can I not think of designs like those??
2. Inggit. Wish I were as pretty as she is. I never look good in my pictures. Never did, never do.
3. I feel left out. and I miss my Manila friends.  
4,5. Again, inggit.

Forgive me for being so negative. My insecurities get the better of me sometimes. They suck. I suck. Sometimes, I just wish that somebody would give me a hug and say that none of this is true. That I'm not any of the things I said. And funny thing is that, that someone, should be none other than me.