Sunday, October 18, 2009

Love hurts

It's 3:14 in the morning, and here I am blogging because I am still wide awake with plenty of mixed emotions that I desperately need to let out. Plus, I haven't blogged for 2 weeks now due to my newest addiction - DA (deviantART). I just got home from another night out with friends. After work, we went to Cagayan de Oro's infamous Night Cafe. At the city's center, we have a plaza, and every weekend, they would close the roads in the area, and vendors and sellers would spread their wares on the streets forming a sort of bazaar. Ukay-ukay in short. By the time we got out of the hospital, it was past midnight and most of the stalls were half empty. It was time for them to pack up. Nevertheless, we wandered through the remaining stalls and dug through the piles of clothes, bags, and shoes. My friend was able to buy a bag that cost P100. We then went to McDonald's for Coke Floats, ice cream, and fries. *Sigh* All that exercise just went right out the window! I came home at about 2:30am.

Now, I live in a very, very big place, which makes it hard for anyone to here if someone is at the door. After the cab left, I pounded on the gate for about 10 minutes. I wasn't surprised to find that no one heard me. So, I took out my phone and dialled my sister's number. I was gonna have to ask her to open the gate for me. Much to my horror, I couldn't reach her phone. Now, I didn't wanna have to call my mom or dad. I wanted to avoid AT ALL COSTS, any form of scolding or talking to. So I did what any red-blooded woman would do in desperate times.

I climbed over the gate.

Past all the bushes, the spikes and the electric wires, yes I climbed over our huge, metal gate - successfully! I might add. I got a small cut in my finger for that, though. It wasn't my first time to sneak around at night, but it was my first time to actually climb over a gate. I felt like I was breaking in! Even so, I think it was actually pretty cool. I felt pretty good, like I just overcame a great obstacle - which I actually did, literally.

I've been living life pretty carelessly, these days. And I have the scars to prove it. Within a span of 3 weeks, I have had a bruised knee from jetskiing, a swollen foot from skim boarding, very dark and sunburnt shoulders from going to the beach 4 times in a row, bug bites all over from the same reason, a scar on my right hand for being careless in the ICU, and the winner.. ding ding ding! A dog's bite/scratch mark on my right leg. I have had 3 skin tests already (a sensitivity test wherein they inject a small amount of the drug just underneathe the topmost layer of the skin). It is the most PAINFUL THING IN THE WORLD! I still have, oh.. about 4 more injections to go. I maybe a nurse, but needles still scare me a bit, especially when they're pointed at me.

Oh and did I mention? I also have an aching heart. He's gone now. Well, I made him go. But hearing him cry -- it was even more painful than the 3 skin tests combined. I felt rotten to the core. I know he feels worse.

Incubus sang, "Love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt. It makes me feel alive." All these scars I have, they do hurt (especially the injections), but I feel incredibly alive. They're like a breath of fresh air! Especially because they feel like an adventure. This heartache I'm feeling, it makes me alive alright. It makes me feel... human.

God, I miss him.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Beach day fun.

We went to the beach the other day. I guess this is one of the many perks of living in the probinsyas. The beach is a mere 15 minutes away, and it doesn’t take a great deal of planning to get there! It started out as a gloomy, cloudy day – which was perfectly fine because none of us brought any sunblock. Later on though, the clouds would part from time-to-time, allowing the sun to peek through. So by lunch time, the sun was gleefully blazing down on our bare backs and shoulders. But nothing would stop us from having our beach day fun! We feasted on boiled bananas, salted fish, some rice, bread, and left-over chicken for breakfast, and ate the same thing for lunch. We rode out on a banana boat! It wasn’t my first time on one, but it was my first time off! I hit the water pretty hard- all of us did actually. It was a painful experience indeed! I thought I broke a rib or something, and on the way home, there was talk of getting x-rays! We played sung-ay in the water- a game where 2 pairs try to knock each other off whilst seated on their partners’ shoulders. My team won! And we took a whole lot of pictures! I brought my camera along and grabbed the opportunity to practice. I was able to take a few good shots! It was the perfect way to unwind and de-stress, worrying about nothing except not getting enough salt in our hair and not getting enough pictures. We all came home with our skins sun-burnt, and a couple of shades darker (not to mention redder), hearts considerably lighter, and faces aglow with laughter. It was happiness- all the way!


It’s been a little more than a week since we last talked. We’ve officially set the record. It’s the longest time so far we’ve gone without any form of communication. I didn’t dare call or text him again, not even his friends, though I’ve been itching to know how he is now, for fear that the spell might break and I’ll have to start over again. I cried so hard that day – that day I asked for a break. I felt as though I was falling apart. But I didn’t cry for me. I cried for him. I knew how much he loved me. But I also knew that I could never be as sure for him as he was towards me. Right now, my life is going on the way it always does. After 8 months apart, I’ve gotten used to living on my own, without him. But now that we’re no longer talking, we’re no longer together, the realization is numbing. I’ve been keeping myself busy, but from time-to-time, loneliness would set in and gnaw at the edges of my heart. I would think of him, think of all things I still wanted to share, and all the things that I could no longer be a part of. I so wanted to see him reach his dream. I’ve always been one to pick a fight with him. I always opposed his ideas, and I was never generous in giving compliments. I knew he resented that in me. But I always believed that he was meant for great things. He has THE talent. He’s a brilliant, brilliant man. I just know that he is going to make it far in life and in music. Seeing his pictures in facebook, his band’s accomplishments, all the beautiful comments people made, it makes me so proud of him. But I can’t be a part of that now, can I? In the future maybe, our roads might cross, and we might start over. But for now, I can only pray that he would always be ok and healthy and well, and that he would finally reach his dream, and be happy always.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Where will you fly to?
Take me there, to your next conquest.
My first attempt at a fib - a six-line, 20-syllable poem, with a syllable count by line of 1/1/2/3/5/8, after the structure of the Fibonacci sequence. It's pretty cool. :)

*The photo is a raw shot. I'm still working on my photography. Leave a comment, won't you? It'd really help. ^_^

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Fly high

A more mature version of my earlier painting. My mom told me that it had winter feel to it. And so it does!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


I've been reading Susannah Conway's blogs for the past 3 hours now. She is incredibly creative, she's wonderful! I turn to her blog whenever I need some creative stimulation. I found a lot of meme's in her blogs. I wanted to write something real quick, so I picked one out from one of her earlier blogs. It's really cute.

[ RED ] 1. Closest red thing to you? My red ipod nano.

2. Has anyone ever cheated on you in a relationship? Surprisingly no. As far as I can remember.

3. Last thing to make you angry? Just annoyed. My sister acting like a know-it-all.

4. Are you a fan of romance? Right now? No, not really.

5. Have you ever been in love? Yes.

6. Do you have a temper? Yes.

1. Closest green thing to you? The clothes on my back.

2. Do you care about the environment? Absolutely.

3. Are you jealous of anyone right now? Yes. I'm almost always jealous of other people these days. I'm working on that.

4. Are you a lucky person? Yes, I think so. I've had my fair share of problems and heartache. But I've noticed that life seems to always go easy on me.

5. Do you always want what you can't have? Ha! Yes. And at the same time, no. I'm trying to be more appreciative of what I have right now; and to celebrate the successes of other people, instead of envying them.

6. Are you Irish? No.

1. Last purple thing you saw? Purple water bottle. It's right in front of me.

2. Like being treated to expensive things? I won't lie, I do. I also treat myself every once in a while when I can afford them.

3. Do you like mysterious things? Sometimes.

4. Favourite type of chocolate? Any is fine with me.

5. Ever met any royalty? No.

6. Are you creative? Erm.. I'd like to think so. Problem is, my interest exceeds my talent.

7. Are you lonely? Kind of, yes.

[ BLUE ]
1. Closest blue thing to you? My Nautica tote.

2. Are you good at calming people down? I get squeamish at times, but I'm sure I do ok.

3. Do you like the ocean? I love the beach. The ocean itself is pretty scary to me. But the ocean truly is amazing.

4. What was the last thing that made you cry? A fight with my boyfriend.

5. Are you a logical thinker? On some things, I suppose.

6. Can you sleep easily? Yes. It's a blessing!

7. Do you prefer the beach or the woods? The beach. I love the feeling of freedom it gives me.

1. Closest yellow thing to you? A yellow brooche I made, myself.

2. The happiest time(s) of your life? I don't know about the happiest, but I sure do have a lot of happy moments. The most recent ones would be my night duty last night, where me and my partner just laughed the whole night while swapping stories; and just a few days ago, also at the ICU, where me and my colleagues played a game which involved blindfolds, as if we were a bunch of 12-year-olds. I laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants. Yep I was pretty happy.

3. Favourite holiday? My trip to Japan with my family, My 2 trips to Palawan with my whole mother's side family.

4. Are you a coward? Yes, I'm ashamed to say that I am.

5. Do you burn or tan? I used to burn easily, but these days I just tan, which is a good thing. I'm trying to tan my legs. They're like 3 shades lighter than my arms. I haven't been making much progress, though.

6. Do you want children? Yes.

7. What makes you happy? Sunlight, lots of laughter, beautiful pictures, undisturbed alone time, a good night's sleep, friends, and family.

[ PINK ]
1. Closest (dark) pink thing to you? My night light.

2. Do you like sweet things? All the time.

3. Like play-fighting? Sometimes.

4. Are you sensitive? Not so much.

5. Do you like punk music? Sometimes.

6. What is your favourite flower? I like the scent of lavender.

7. Does someone have a crush on you? Hmm.. I'd like to think so. Haha.

1. Closest orange thing to you? My orange blanket.

2. Do you like to burn things? No.

3. Dress up for Halloween? No. This may sound pathetic but I haven't tried dressing up for Halloween ever. I'd like to some day.

4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? I hope so. I try to be.

5. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship? Both.

6. What would your super power be? Apparate and disapparate - just like in Harry Potter.

1. Closest white thing to you? A stack of papers - photocopies of my Advanced Cardiac Life Support training notes.

2. Would you say you're innocent? People think I am. But I'm not. Definitely not.

3. Always try to keep the peace? Not always.

4. How do you imagine your wedding? Intimate, happy, and fairy-tale like.

5. Do you like to play in the snow? We don't have winter here in the Philippines. But I've tried playing in the snow during our trip to South Lake, San Francisco when I was a kid. It wasn't as fun as I had imagined. It was too darn cold and wet!

6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist? Not at all.

1. Closest black thing to you? My dad's Sony digicam, the camera I've been practicing with.

2. Ever enjoy hurting people? Never.

3. Are you sophisticated or silly? Silly most of the time. Maybe even all the time!

4. Do you have a lot of secrets? I

5. What is your favourite colour(s)? Red, yellow, black, and white.

6. Does the colour you wear affect your mood? No, not really. I think it's the other way around. :)