Inspiration

Inspiration is free

But it doesn't come easy..

*Sigh*

I can do this.

Yes, I can!

:(

Sometimes, I just feel like banging my head against the wall. How do they do it?! The artists I see in blogs, and televisions? Where do they get all the creative energy, the inspiration, the ideas, the active imagination? Day after day, time after time, I see beautiful creations, breath-taking pictures, and enticing works of art that just make my mouth water. How I long to create something as beautiful, something as inspiring. I'm a tortured soul. Really. The problem is my interest exceeds talent and my desire exceeds my creative capacity. I so envy the artists who are able to live life with such passion and love for their work. I try. I do, maybe not enough at times, but I do. And yet -- nothing. I was never fully satisfies with the artworks I created. I always feel like something is missing. I feel like I need to break free from some wall or some barrier that could possibly be holding me back from a pool of creative and inspirational power. I want to feel that aha! moment - that moment where everything comes together, when everything is suddenly crystal clear, as it is written in big bold letters in front of your face saying, THIS IS WHAT YOUR GOOD AT, THIS IS THE STYLE FOR YOU, THIS IS WHAT YOU MUST DO. How do they do it? How is it so natural to them? This is the greatest mystery of my life.

I NEED INSPIRATION! won't some one help me?? :c

All the time in the world is o good without solid, heart-thumping, lightbulb-moment, yes-this-is-it inspiration!

Gloomy Monday

A bit of depressing news for you this rainy Monday morning. A family of four, along with 2 of their help, died in a fire in Quezon City. The fire was said to have been caused by a car parked outside their house. The fire started at dawn and everyone was fast asleep. It must have been too late by the time they woke up. Rescuers found all 6 bodies all huddled up together. One of the children was my cousin's college classmate. What a way to start the week.

Tears threatened to fall when my dad told me about this. Who would have thought that such a sad and terrible thing would happen to an innocent family? I don't know these people, but my whole heart goes out to them and to everyone they left behind. This, I suppose, serves as a reminder to the rest of us. Nothing is permanent, and the future is as uncertain as it is iminent. Each day that we are alive - each and every minute that we are breathing and speaking and moving and thinking and dreaming and loving - is a gift; a gift that we so often take for granted.

With everything that has been going on around the world -- the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the civil wars in Yemen, and all other heartbreaking news -- it makes you wonder what other things we living being must endure. After hearing the news, I immediately thought of all my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and everyone I hold dear. Now is as good a time as any to tell them how much I love and appreaciate them. Cliche, but true.

Yes or no?

When a man says no, he means no.

When a woman says no, she means no.. I mean, yes ..I mean, depending on the situation.. but not really, no, no is fine, unless you really want to, but I'm not forcing you..

I can see why men get confused. Sorry guys. As much as I hate to admit it, it's just how we, girls, are.

Just yesterday, I arrived in Manila from a late afternoon flight. My boyfriend and I had planned on meeting because we hadn't seen each other for weeks. But because of the rainy weather, flights had gotten delayed and I arrived later than scheduled. So I told him that we could meet the following evening, since he had to work early the following morning. And well.. he agreed.

Of course, with the usual, "Are you sure?" and "I'm sorry, I don't want to disappoint you." But he agreed anyways.
I know, I know, I asked for it. Stupid, stupid! Thing is, I half expected him to say, "No, I'll still come see you, don't worry." But he didn't. I went all moody and sour on him. He kept asking if it really was ok, and needless to say, I said yes (when I actually meant no). I was sincere in my intentions. Really, I was. I just couldn't help it.

But, no worries. Because I got my happy ending anyway. He came (^^,). He actually came over to see me even though it was late, and told me he was kidding the whole time. He really didn't plan on NOT seeing me. It was a lovely surprise. I had hearts all over my eyes when I opened the gate to see his car parked outside. It turns out, that men aren't really as dense as we think. ^^,

Shit Happens

You forget to do 1 out of 10 things, and it's "You didn't do anything for me!" Oh yeah? What the hell happened to the other 9?

*Sigh*

It's been a shitty week. Hospital census is picking up, which is actually a good thing. Just not when I can't get enough sleep. My insomnia kicked in like a car in high gear, thanks to the Slimming Brazilian Coffee I'm drinking to help lose my stubborn and annoying belly fat. It's surprisingly effective, by the way. It put a cork in my mouth, so to speak. When I drink it, I don't crave for food so much. But it doesn't help my sleeping at all! I felt the weight of 3 straight, 12-hour, night shifts on my shoulders, back, and eyelids. I vow to never drink that stuff during nights again.
Because of sleep deprivation, I slacked off on everything else. I wasn't able to clean my room for a week, update my planner, exercise, or daimoku as much as I wanted. And to top it all off, I completely forgot to arrange the pictures for our hotel's website for my dad. Which is where the above line came from. Uugh. I feel so useless.

Thank heavens it's the 10th. I'll be flying off to Manila in a few hours for a bit of R&R and some lovin'.

But, something pissed me off, yet again! I don't know. Is it just me, or is life really picking on me? It happens all the time. A day or two before I meet with my boyfriend, whether here or in Manila, something unusual happens. Twice, an infectious case was admitted in the ICU just a day before my bf was coming to visit. And those are the times that I absolutely CANNOT get sick! Just last month - the PPLIC issue, which still haunts me, especially because I still have an account which, I totally have no use for at this moment, and which I never really wanted in the first place! They were far too insistent! I was making a fool of myself, and I still didn't want to be rude, so there. And then just an hour ago--- AAARGHHH! Men. How in the world can they be so dense?! I'm sorry, I just couldn't keep the irritation off my voice as we spoke on the phone. But what he said really pissed me off! How can you say, "You sound tired from waiting up for me." and then say, "Oh well, that's life." ??!! And the best part is, he just waved it all away.

BF: You sound mad. Are you ok?
Me: I'm fine.
BF: You sure? I won't stop asking until you tell me what the problem is.
Me: No problem.
BF: Ok then.

Wtf? What happened to sentence number 3? Honestly. Maybe I'm just being a girl, or a girlfriend for that matter. But that really set my ears on fire!

*Sigh*

If being positive doesn't work, thank heavens for blogging. Seriously, letting it all out is the only way to go sometimes.

What now?

“Do whatever makes you happy.” Said my mom. Well, that’s new. Thanks Mom. But you don’t need to tell me, because that is exactly what I intend to do right now! No, actually, ever since I was old enough to write on autograph books and fill in the What are your ambitions part. The only problem is, I have no *@#! idea what that ambition is!


Back then, this problem wasn’t a problem – yet. I was young[er], too young! I had plenty of time to figure it all out. Besides, I had more important things to worry about, like the dreaded math periodicals, finishing homework before my favourite TV show, my crush not noticing me, and etc, etc. The future stuff could wait. I didn’t need to think yet. I had a map to follow. Like any other youngster, I had a standardized map that my parents and society laid out before me. Pre-school, then elementary school, then high school, then college. I was not to fail, I was to get good grades, I was to learn and grow and develop like a good child should. And as long as I followed the map, I was fine. But a single map cannot cover all cities of the world. It has to end somewhere (graduation!). The world grew bigger as I grew older, and what then seemed to be the distant future, became next month!

What I wanted in life never changed – the general idea of it, anyway. I wanted to be happy. I wanted a career that would make me happy. The only difference is that, back then, I was 13. I saw no further than what was seemingly years of never-ending education. Now, I am 24. (24!!!!) And I can no longer put off the question that has never fully surfaced before now. Now, that ominous question literally spread itself before my eyes, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook my entire being like earthquake.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO DO?

I’m not unhappy here. But I’m not entirely happy, either. My dad thinks it’s because I’m away from my boyfriend. (Sigh. Dads..) My mom thinks I don’t like being in Cagayan. Both are true in a way. Of course I miss my boyfriend. And true, I like Manila better. But being in Cagayan itself doesn’t make me unhappy. I’m simply lost. They say happiness is a choice. Aye it is. And a tough choice at that. It’s all I can do to keep myself from despairing.

Free Time

It seems like another quiet day at home. The hospital activity drops with every Christmas season. No patients means no work - in a sense. I'm on on call today (and have been and for the past few days). Actually, I've spent more days at home than at work this past 2 weeks, which is completely fine with me. I needed a break. And I was able to put all this free time to good use. I've started painting again. I tried my hand on painting flowers with watercolor and acrylic on my own as my assignment. Sad to say, I only succeeded in wasting 3 good pieces of watercolor paper. After hours of depressing work, I finally gave up, came to the conclusion that I could not paint at all, then spent another hour crying my eyes out. It was funny. I surprised myself with my reaction, and was even more surprised that I couldn't stop crying! I guess I needed that wake up call. The upside is that I've finally realized how much I needed to learn, and I felt the serious need to improve my skill.
I've started jogging, too. So far, I was able to run 2.4km straight without stopping. It's an amazing feeling! The adrenaline rush, the cool wind against my face, and the energy!
I'm doing more daimoku these days, as well. I'm stuck in a rut, you see. My career path has suddenly become a maze. And the best advice I've received is to chant as much daimoku as I can. I'm workin' on it.
So, in summary, I'm workin on my body, my faith, and my skills. And I feel pretty good, right now. The only downside to all this, is that I won't be earning much this month, what with all the on call and day off schedules I have. I'm almost certain as to how much I'll be getting in this kinsena's paycheck. :)

Because I am human

I have the soul to feel gratitude,
the heart to love and be loved,
the free will to choose,
a healthy mind to dream,
and my faith to hope and persevere.

I have an amazing family who is behind my every step,
A loving boyfriend who makes me laugh,
Wonderful friends from all over who always come and visit,
A home where I find safey and sanctuary,
and a beautiful body capable of making dreams come true.

A line from the movie Robin Hood said, "It is unwise to repay good fortune with bad grace."

I am grateful today for all the lessons I've learned, for the accomplishments I've gained, for the person I have become, and for the life in me after 24 long years. I will strive harder to become a better person for me and for those whom I love.

Only human

Even the most fortunate person on earth is bound to have insecurities. Why? Because she is only human. I have a lot to be thankful for. Heaven knows I am a thousand times better off than plenty of other people. But I am still only human. So forgive me for this tiny moment of weakness, of inferiority, of self-pity, and of envy.

I'm a spineless wimp. I'm a self-confessed people-pleaser, a pushover, and I am admittedly as gullible as a 6-year old. One particular incident yesterday has made that point very clear. I was immensely irritated by myself, and yes, I have tortured myself to tears. If I were my parents, I'd yell at myself and say that I couldn't possibly trust myself out in the real world because I'm too naive and too much of an airhead! Moreover, I'm turning 24 in 3 days but I've got nothing to show for -- no wow-worthy accomplishments, no money, no life. And the worse part is, I don't know where I'm going. I don't have a clue as to what I'm going to do. Thank heavens for prayers. It's about the only thing that I can do at this point. So, yeah, I'm pretty down already.
And then, browsing on facebook tonight has made me feel even worse. I confess, I am acting like a bitter teen. These are insignificant concerns. I myself know that I am being foolish and studpid. But foolish or no, stupid or not, they made me feel like crying.

So what exactly upset me?

1. The artwork tshirt contest winners page (in artwork.ph).
2. My cousin's photo shoot pictures.
3. My college friends' Palawan getaway.
4. My college friends' long list of photo comments.
5. My bf's group page.

Translation.

1. I didn't win. Why on earth can I not think of designs like those??
2. Inggit. Wish I were as pretty as she is. I never look good in my pictures. Never did, never do.
3. I feel left out. and I miss my Manila friends.  
4,5. Again, inggit.

Forgive me for being so negative. My insecurities get the better of me sometimes. They suck. I suck. Sometimes, I just wish that somebody would give me a hug and say that none of this is true. That I'm not any of the things I said. And funny thing is that, that someone, should be none other than me.

Loser ar loner?

"Would you rather be called a loner or a loser?" A friend had asked me.

I thought last night would be another lonely night for me. Saturday night and I had no work, no plans, no one to be with, and no where to be! Dinner with the Lim Association and the Chinese Chamber of Commerce for the moon cake festival hardly counts. And adding the fact that I only won Php 160.00 (all in tiny twenties), I had given up hope for a more exciting Saturday night. And then, ting! My baby cousins saved me and my pathetic social life! I say baby because they're all way younger than me. But I don't caaaaaaaaaaarrrrreeee! We ate some cake and spent the rest of the night singing and dancing and jumping at a kareoke bar.

My boyfriend called and made fun of my loser night. Well, I admit. Technically speaking, hanging out with younger kids on a Saturday night would still put me on the loser category. But like I said, I don't care. I missed hanging out with my cousins and I wouldn't have last night any other way! Besides, I told him I would have hung out with him if he were here. But he's not. And I do miss him more than he could possibly know.

My answer to that question was that I would rather be a loner rather than a loser just because, well, being a loner sounds so much better than being a loser. My friend on the other hand said that she'd rather be a loser. Why? Because at least she'd have friends. Loser friends, but friends around her all the same. "Who cares what people think?" She had said.

Well said. :)

And the countdown continues..

Waiting takes forever. And when the moment that you've waited (forever) for arrives at last, it ends faster than you can say 'finally'.

I spent an amazing, gluttonous weekend with my love. Oh yes, eating was the main activity. I wouldn't be surprised if I added a few centimeters around my waist. Ugh. All that dieting and exercise just went right out the window. But it was a small price to pay. We only see each other once in 3-4 weeks. I know.. it sucks. Now that my long awaited weekend date has finally come AND gone, I have to wait for the next, which won't happen until after 4 weeks. Sigh. I do my best to be a good girl and wait. I miss him so much. =c

Baby Blues

And so the baby blues of 2010 continues.. My friend just dropped the bomb today -- she's pregnant. I gave her a hug, as big as my little self could manage, hoping it'd somehow help. She cried, and cried some MORE. She had been crying the whole afternoon, which explained the way she looked -- dazed, pale, and all fuzzy. My heart went out to her. I would have hugged her all night if I could.

My dear friend.. my dear, kind, generous, wonderful, and beautiful friend. I could see the effort she was making to brave it all, and smile. On top of everything, she was still as amazing as ever.

Life is unfair sometimes. I can never fully comprehend why ugly things happen to good people. Shit happens. It's a fact. And when it does, no wise words can slow the pain. All the "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", "Time heals all wounds", and all that crap just goes right out the window.

Everyone is fighting their own battles. It's no use envying other people's "perfect lives" because technically, there is no "perfect life". However, there is such a thing as a happy life. So how about that??

Some food for thought before I go to bed tonight.

August Break

Thanks Susannah for the August Break!

I believe in fairies..

For August Break :)

Time sure flies. The message on the August page of my Tinkerbell calendar aptly summarizes this lovely month. "Friendships last forever" is what it says. And so they do. I spent the last few days with Jewel and Isis in CDO. Ahh spending girl time with girlfriends.. pure bliss! I had to work nights, though. I was exhausted, but I had the best time ever!

August was a surprisingly good month. Exhausting, but deliciously satisfying. Great food, groovy friends, and good fun filled those 31 tiny boxes of my August calendar. Work was hell, but I worked with my friends! And at the end of the day, it's not so bad. Oh, my August blog is full, too, thanks to the August Break! Unfortunately, my hellish work schedule, unreliable internet connection, and often sleep-deprived state prevented me from logging in everyday. But I was happy to be able to participate at the very least.

And now, as I turn, yet another page of my Tinkerbell calendar, I say goodbye to an awesome jam-packed month, and welcome the next. What's to come? More of the good life I hope. The September page of my calendar reads "I believe in fairies." I take it as a sign to believe in dreams. A hundred plans and dreams and goals came rushing at me (and at us) during our conversations over animal-styled fries, chicken quesadillas, and jello shots last weekend. Wouldn't it be great if they all came true? So I'll take my own advice this month and write down everything I want to happen. And who knows? A little dreaming goes a long way, with a measure of hard-work, a dash of prayer, a large cup of faith, and a little pixie dust, miracles will happen. :)

Pentruple (?) birthday celebration!

For August Break =)

Happy birthday Abigail, Erica, Mom, Di-i, & Uncle Jun!
Jello shots for everyone!
Cheers!

Thank you World for friends! 08.22.10

For August Break =)

Dinner at Kitchen with friends. It's one of the many reasons why I love Manila. :)

New life

For August Break =)

I just got back from Manila. I flew over there last Friday to see my new love. It was his birthday. It's funny, the trip reminded me of the day I took this photo. I was also flying to Manila to visit my old love. It's a funny feeling.

I closed a huge chapter of my life, and it allowed me to start a new one. A better one. And it made me want to be a better person. I learned that everything falls into place with time. There's time for everything. You just have to believe, to hang on, to pray, and let go.

Happy birthday Love. 08.20.10

For August Break =)

Me and my new love.

Gotta Love Color 08.19.10

It makes the most boring things seem interesting. Like socks! I ran out a while ago. For some reason, my white socks never make their way back to my drawer after the wash! So I asked my love to get me a few colorful ones instead. I said a few - he got me a dozen! Ah well, that's how much he loves me I guess! All with stripes in different colors. My friend said they reminded him of that ice pop with the bubble gum center. I no longer lose 'em since colorful socks are easier to spot. Now, my sock drawer's always full and my feet look smokin' everyday!